This feels so 2022 to type. But, I was just in Vancouver visiting friends I’ve known for decades, some since preschool. And I noticed…and it was talked about - I am the only one who hasn’t surgerized something. I feel good about how I look, I think the wrinkles I do have, while jarring at first realization, are signs that I have lived. But I found my friends cooing over the latest subtle botox and fillers and how it would be so cheap for me to do in Mexico and I was…sad? Insulted? Defiant? In quiet agreement? Many things. All of my friends are beautiful, and they are free to do whatever they want to themselves, with the caveat that isn’t mine to make, but here we are, as long a they aren’t hurting themselves. But I felt strange, everyone’s faces look different to me now, and I am the odd one out. My husband says he likes that I’m confident with my natural face, but since returning to Mexico, I wonder, is he just saying that? Should I be subtly botoxing? Am I choosing a weird hill to die on? Will he lose interest in me? His brother exclusively dates 20 year olds with new parts, despite being 62 and not the vision of youth. But I now feel like when he looks at me, is he judging my crows feet? My smile lines? Should I be erasing easily fixed (so my friends tell me) lines so to hold attention for longer as nature invariably withers me?!
This is something that I think a lot of women probably struggle with at some point in their life. When I was younger I had the attitude that surgical procedures were not necessary and that I would “age with grace”. Now I’m 36 and slowly noticing the signs of my age, and it terrifies me. I have a hang up about looking young for as long as I possibly can. I have had botox done, and I plan on getting a lot more done in the future, because that makes me happy. That said, it is a very personal thing, and in way should you ever feel pressure to do something you clearly are not interested in doing.
I think it might be worthwhile to have a conversation with those friends and share your feelings about how that made you feel. I’m sure it was not their intention to upset you, and they’ll know going forward to be more mindful of that.
It’s really easy to get in your head about stuff like this and wonder if everyone is lying to you, or is this something that will effect your relationship? I would take your husband’s word at face value here. I also wouldn’t let his brother’s lifestyle influence your feelings. That relationship and how it works is not the norm, and is quite dysfunctional. So, I wouldn’t compare the two. I also wouldn’t worry about his opinion of you and your physical appearance, or any man’s opinion for that matter.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how you feel about your body, and your happiness with it. If you do not wish to have botox or whatever done, then don’t. Don’t let other people’s feelings and thoughts influence you. You are not abnormal. You are perfect.
I am SO relating to this topic, same here, I have not even had microderm abrasion, though I was planning to before I quit my job and had no income. I’m 42, and for the first time this last year I see a lot more grey hairs and lines under my eyes, and forehead.
First of all, I think this is a very personal thing for people, and about what makes us feel good and confident in who we are. You look gorgeous as you are in my opinion, but I don’t judge people, because we have to feel good in our own skin. Most of my friends have had botox, some kind of peels, lifts or something, but not me. I have to say, those that had some fillers or botox, do look awesome! I was happy for them, but it is not in my budget right now, and I didn’t think I needed it until the last year or so, so I haven’t gone there.
I WILL say, I think happiness, rest, love, purpose, feeling good about who you are, are the things that make us project our best. That said, if I had more money, I would get some fillers, microderm abrasion, laser my veins, hire a personal trainer, because I feel those are not too invasive, and I would likely feel pretty damn good! For now, a better skin care regime, daily exercise, and using Noom to shed some weight is what I can manage.
I’m sure nobody meant to judge or hurt you in talking about this, but sometimes it feels good to say when something made you feel a bit shitty. Maybe not, but in some cases it does, even in a very brief and simple way that is comfortable. As for your husband, I doubt you have anything to worry about! You are VERY beautiful, and I’m sure he married you for WHO you are, as well as that. My husband dated models and actors who I think are way hotter than me, but he married me because I am his person, and we love each other. Yes we should take some pride in how we look and feel for our own sake, I find it unattractive when people just stop caring, but it’s the whole package, and more about how we feel and what that projects. You do YOU, and change if/when you want to, or not
I agree with a lot of what’s already been said - at the end of the day you just have to feel good about yourself with others’ validation. A lot of people have had things done - that’s for sure whether it’s subtle pick me ups like botox or more substantial surgery or even just beauty maintenance things. I swear every mom at my kids’ school had their brows done and did the lash thing. I do neither - I just don’t have the patience and time for that but always wondered if I would look better with it.
I like a bit of botox between the brows but I don’t do much more than that. It can be a slippery slope too once you start getting into that stuff. I used to think I wouldn’t do botox but I didn’t like how those fine lines between the brows made me seem grumpy looking. I’m happy doing that twice a year.
You are all so lovely and kind. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people doing whatever makes them feel good about themselves. I won’t do anything I am not comfortable with, I guess in many ways, I’m just sort of stunned that this is a conversation I’m having/typing. My mother is beautiful, never wore makeup, would never dream of surgery, and on the flip side, many of my friends’ parents have been augmenting parts of themselves since before I knew them, and that is the norm.
As for my husband, he’s lucky to have me and I know that. It’s still nice to hear, so thank you. And I am sure despite whatever internal thoughts you have about your husband’s past partners, you are the vision of ideal beauty to him. I hope he always takes time to make you feel as such.
Thank you for sharing, it’s such a sensitive topic! I will be honest in saying that I wish that I was ok with not doing anything to myself, but I’m just not. I mean, I am really conscious about what I will and won’t do and always checking myself to make sure that I’m not on the wrong side of a slippery slope to where it’s dysmorphic. I check myself often and make sure to do things that are natural and subtle but worthwhile. I believe in upkeep and prevention and spend a bit of time and resources doing it. I am the most confident in my body that I’ve ever been in my life and I feel I look the best. Even though I was a college athlete and have been an athlete ever since, it doesn’t matter. 3 babies later, you need some help. I expect to keep this up my whole life and am unapologetic about all of it. I expect my partner to also stay healthy and strong. In the end, the most unattractive thing to me in a man is not caring about their body. Being healthy and strong is priority. No one (including you) will care about wrinkles if you aren’t healthy. After that, do what makes you feel like your best self, whatever that may be!
I agree with the sentiments here. A couple of years ago a friend of mine (who is 5 years older than me and looks fantastic, always has) was telling me how she looks at and uses botox as a prophylactic. The idea being it’s easier to prevent wrinkles than try and fix them after the fact. I started using botox shortly after that and have been for 7 years now (2 - 3 times a year) and I am super glad I did. That being said, I’d never get a breast augmentation or do any severe surgeries to my body, for several reasons. I’ve also been encouraged to try fillers and MORE botox but, like I said, I look at it as upkeep and prevention not a product to try out. I mean, I eat right, I exercise, I moisturize, I use SPF religiously…so it makes sense to me to use botox as a preventative measure. I feel your pain though, I sometimes struggle with should I do more? It’s very personal and really you should do whatever makes you happy. And as far as your husband’s brother…if he’s dating 20 year old’s at 60, he has much bigger problems with self esteem than you do.
I just started a thread on this the other day because I didn’t see yours! I’m with you. While I respect everyone’s right to do as they please, I personally feel that if I did anything surgical it would be because I felt insecure about my looks and aging. This in turn would make me resent society’s pressures on women when it comes to beauty and age. I won’t do it. For me, anti-aging is anti-feminist. There’s so much more to me than my looks and if someone thinks I’m less attractive as a result then that reflects poorly on them, not on me.