I don’t mention it often, but in 6 weeks time i will be turning the big 4-0. 40 years of life on this planet. A part of me still feels like the young 20-something eager to learn everything about the world and herself, and in many ways that’s still true. i am still learning about myself and my body, but now that I’m approaching 40 i’m expected to have figured everything out.
I feel a level of sadness about missing out on my youth while i allowed time to get the better of me as a young adult. about why i didn’t try harder to get the most out of my life when I was younger. I was in (i suppose you could call it a rut) for much of my life while yearning for more up until a couple of years ago when finally I felt like i had woken up out of my sleepwalk for the first time. Everything in my life became more vivid. Strawberries tasted sweeter, the grass between my toes felt soft and warm, colours were suddenly more vibrant. I was awake, finally, after all this time. Even my relationships became stronger.
That was a wonderful time, but it lasted seven months. Suddenly after seven months we were thrown into this pandemic and once again i was feeling lost and isolated. My relationships started to crumble around me and my world became more muted. I’ve tried so hard to stay positive through this pandemic… but after having what feels like my first 37 years stolen from me, to have 7 months of pure euphoria and oneness with my life and my body, only to have it taken away again because of the pandemic hurts. And now in 6 weeks i’m turning 40.
I know 40 isn’t the end of the line by any means, and there’s still so much ahead. Hell, there better be because I still feel like i’m just getting started. But it’s also hard to be able to call it my youth. My youth was taken from me, and i feel like i’m grieving the thought of what could have been.