LET'S TALK ORGASMS (and struggling to have them with partners at times)

Okay, I am by no means an expert in this category. That said, as a human with a lot of lived experience in this category, maybe I am an expert after all (LOL). At the very least, I’d love to normalize this subject matter, and share more about my experience and what I’ve found to be helpful, hinder-ful (it’s a word now) and hear from others as well what their experience has been like.

Up until I was 29, I had never experienced an orgasm with someone else – whether it was masturbation to orgasm with someone else, or through oral or penetration. I’ve always been able to experience an orgasm on my own (the Womanizer Duo is v. v. helpful in that category haha) so this made it super frustrating and confusing for me; even more so, when I my gal pals would rave about how they had a million orgasms with their partner the night prior.

What changed when I turned 29? A lot, but I’m not entirely sure what exactlywas the needle mover that allowed me to experience an orgasm via oral from my partner at the time, but if I were to list them, this would be it:

- Getting the Womanizer Duo: Not sponsored, just ALL LOVE for this beautiful pleasure device. The Womanizer Duo taught me that I love and need both clitoral stimulation AND penetration to experience an orgasm. I didn’t know this prior to, so I was just expecting myself to basically be a pornstar who would receive oral and go off in 2 seconds. Now, I know that I need to be warmed up with clitoral stimulation, followed by penetration (fingers or a dildo)

- Getting turned on FIRST: It seems obvious now, but previously, I wasn’t prioritizing foreplay enough so it was like receiving oral cold, and that just didn’t do it for me. I realize now that I need to get super turned on before even getting to oral and possibly to orgasm. This could look like making out, lots of neck kisses (my weakness), kisses all over my body, grinding against each other. Now, I also know that this helps to get blood flowing, especially to your genitals if you’re teasing that area, which will only support your orgasm should it get there.

- Don’t make orgasm the goal: WOW. Did this ever change my life! I’m now able to see that the pressure to orgasm and “finish” was creating a stressful experience that put me into a performative role and didn’t fully allow me to relax and surrender (which, I think is the key to really incredible sex). I now make it a priority to make sure I’m on the same page with sexual partners because if I feel I need to be in performing mode, game over.

- Talking openly about my desires: I have a lot of juicy fantasies (don’t we all?!), but I never unleashed them, other than during self-pleasure play (which, is probably why I’ve been able to get off on my own with relative ease). I felt really safe to communicate these with my partner I was with at 29 – like, nothing was too weird – and we started to bring that into dirty talk and role play, and holy hannah. That did it!

Bringing in toys to distract / heighten sensations: I used to be someone that lives in their head a lot (I say “used to” as I’m trying to stray from that story and not wear it as my identity). This past year, I discovered the world of butt plugs and nipple clamps, just out of feeling drawn and curious about them. I would use these with my partner during oral and sometimes intercourse as well, and what I noticed is that it heightened the sensation of everything and it also distracted me from being in my head that it allowed me to drop in and surrender more to the experience. Enter: eventual orgasm. Highly recommend.

- Acknowledging my desire to be intimate with women: Once I came out as Bisexual when I was 29 (29 was a great year, apparently), I felt this deeper sense of connection to who I am and a greater sense of self-love. While I was primarily sleeping with men at the time, it’s difficult to fully surrender when you have a secret or an underlying current of shame running through your body. Living honestly, authentically and owning my Bisexuality has really helped me to drop in and remain more open to orgasm in intimate settings. And, actually allowing myself to explore being intimate with women was a game-changer (it turned me on SO much – probably my most effortless orgasm with another person to date was with a woman).

- Communicate your need for time: Porn really messed me up on this one, thinking that I had to have a mind-blowing orgasm in just minutes. Now, whenever I’m with a partner, I communicate to them my fear of taking too long and my need to know that I’m NOT taking too long. Throughout oral, I’ll say things like “I have time, right?” just for my own mind matters management (or, if they might beat me to it and say “take all the time you need” – well, then that’s just the hottest thing in the world LOL)

I could go on and on, but I think to sum it up, I would say, if you are struggling to have an orgasm with your partner:

  • Don’t shame yourself. The shame will only make it more difficult
  • Take off the pressure to orgasm (there’s SO much more juiciness to be enjoyed on the way to climaxing)
  • Make sure you are playing with a partner(s) you feel physically, emotionally and mentally SAFE with. I can’t emphasize this enough.
  • Be honest with yourself about your desires, and be honest with others. There is no such thing as “weird”

Super excited to hear what this experience has been like for others, especially those who have experienced orgasms from penetration – I’ve yet to experience that!

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@RACHEL thanks for being here! We have a question from @AstroGirl below which I’ll repost:

Hi @RACHEL ! How do you deal with a partner who feels like they’ve failed when you don’t reach orgasm every time? I am so interested to hear more on how to not make orgasm the pinnacle and goal of it all as it puts a lot of pressure on me every time. Thanks for taking my question!

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I sometimes feel so annoyed that the man can orgasms every time and I’m left hanging much of the time. I finally had to say something because I know it’s not intentional and he would love to focus on me, he just needed direction. The thing is I had a hard time even giving direction. Orgasms for women are elusive sometimes, not as mechanical as it is for men. I just needed a physical release, whether it be an orgasm, using a vibrator or squirting… but of course orgasms with the partner are so much more satisfying. Squirting isn’t an actual orgasms but the physical release is so incredible it suffices also :slight_smile: sorry for the rambling but this is such a huge topic with so many parts and pieces to it!

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Such a great question @AstroGirl !

I think this is where another important element of safe, consensual, liberating sex comes in: honest, and open communication.

It’s tempting to get defensive in these moments: on one side, there is a feeling of guilt from the thought of “I didn’t do enough for you!” and on the other side, there’s also guilt like “I didn’t perform and get to orgasm, and I’m okay with that, but now I’m concerned because my partner is making it mean something about themselves”.

I think what’s most important in these moments is to stay neutral and leave defensiveness at the door, and instead, pick up curiosity and communication.

Asking questions like:

  • What are you making it mean about yourself, about me, or about us and our connection when I don’t have an orgasm?
  • Is there something you need to know, or that I could remind you of, when/if this happens again in the future?

Ultimately, you can’t change how someone feels because only we, as individuals, can control how we feel. However, you can be of a support to help them get to the root of what’s there for them.

If you haven’t discussed it before, then there might be an opportunity for a fun chat around what DOES sex mean to you (and “successful” sex). What is it all about? What are the expectations? Are the expectations realistic and do you agree to them? Communicate communicate communicate + making it safe to do so will be the name of the game here.

And also, from one person to another who has else been in this situation, I feel you and hear you! Know that no one has done anything wrong – societal expectations that we see in the media just have a way of getting in the way of things sometimes :wink:

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Oh gosh, I FEEL YOU, Emily!

And, what I have come to know over the past few years of finding myself in the same situation is that I am responsible for my pleasure and orgasm.

I would say most sexual partners I’ve been with are enthusiastic about getting me off, but, when I would judge myself for taking too long, I would shut it down and then suggest we move on and that “I was fine - it’s okay”.

Sometimes it actually was okay, and I didn’t need to orgasm, but many times, I really wanted to freaking climax and have someone’s mutual support in the journey of getting there.

But, I almost normalized it for myself that we would never end up tending to my orgasm because I would stop communicating my desire for it. I think subconsciously, it was easier to live with having sex without orgasms than possibly experience perceived rejection or abandonment if I were to take too long in attempting it.

Once I realized this, I made it my responsibility to advocate for my pleasure and orgasm. I would make it known up front that I wanted to try to have an orgasm (and still, be okay if it didn’t happen but at least carve out the time, space and intention to get there) and then communicate what I needed to make it happen (easier said than done though, WOW haha).

And sometimes, if it wasn’t happening via oral, I would still get myself off using one of my toys so I could at least have the release and I would either have my sexual partner touch me, kiss me or whisper naughty little things in my ear :wink: That way, I still got my release + orgasm and the shared connection of doing it together.

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That makes a lot of sense. We have never really had a conversation about that - I mean, SEX. When it happens (or it doesn’t) is when these feelings come up and we then both feel bad. And I agree there are such unrealistic expectations from the way sex is portrayed everywhere in general media and of course in porn. Real life isn’t quite like that.

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Oh porn! It sure isn’t accurate, lol!

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Yay! That’s exciting then (as in, the fact that you haven’t had this conversation before means there is opportunity for GROWTH – and, even if you had already, there still is).

I would recommend having these conversations in a non-sexual setting, that way the conversation doesn’t start off emotionally charged and you can both discuss it from a non-defensive place. Maybe planning a date night specifically to “dream up” your juiciest sex life together and lay it all on the table!

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I know. Why do we [read: I] always forget that? LOL

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Sorry I am late to the party today!! Welcome to Scarlet Society!!

Wow! So much great post!! Thanks for sharing all these amazing pieces of info!!

I’m pretty lucky in these areas but it has definitely been a journey!! I’ve got an amazing long term partner who is very giving & has always worked hard to ensure I’ve had orgasms (usually first) before they finish. I just turned 40 & august will be out 24yr anniversary!

As I’ve struggled with a lot of emotional issues & a really unhealthy body self-image since age 10— and done a ton of work on those these last few years… I’ve been able to find a way deeper desire & fire that I never knew I could have.

It’s allowed me to start self-exploration & let me drop these old labels I had & actually be more true to what I want/need.

So finally I’m embarking on this amazing journey that is more complex/juicy/fun than I ever expected!!

It’s definitely still a work in progress though!! I’ve learnt lots here at Scarlet Society about being more vocal about what I want and I’m still working hard to get my partner to be more adventurous too.

After reading your post I have a few more ideas/tips to try and thank you for letting us know more about you & your journey so far!!

I’ve followed you on IG now & look forward to more!

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PS. I generally need some external stimulation for orgasm not just penetration, but on at least a handful of occasions my partner has made me come to full orgasm with just words & breath!! No contact at all :fire::fire:. I’m just learning about all these different types of orgasms now & am working on experiencing them all!!! What a fun bucket list :wink:

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Woah what?! Just words and breath? That’s wild.

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WE LOVE TO HEAR IT, Nadien! Thanks for sharing your story. It’s always helpful to have someone in the room to show us what’s possible. I can relate on the body image front having had a history with disordered eating + body image. That definitely got in the way of allowing myself to receive pleasure, and I think it does for many without realizing it.

So happy to be connected on the 'gram too! :slight_smile:

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WOWZEROOOOO! I am INSPIRED. That is mega hot!

You just reminded me of something too, though. BREATHING is huge for allowing yourself to surrender into orgasm. The natural tendency is to clench up, tighten up and constrict, but you actually want to stay open and relax. I find when I’m “struggling” to reach climax, I’ll take a deep inhale and then exhale and all of a sudden, it heightens all of the sensations.

Shit, now I’m horny LOL

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Such great conversation from this session - THANK YOU! I agree a certain breath pattern helps me ease into the best orgasms and breathwork is something that’s under-explored for many of us. It’s likely related to relaxation and the release of certain chemicals in our bodies when we deep breathe.

@Nadien wow now THAT is incredible. What a great way explore with your partner. It also shows how powerful our minds are too!

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This is such a great topic! I used to only be able to orgasm when I was on top. I found some people who could do it orally and that is so delicious but haven’t been to figure out how to teach it :sob: I got a WeVibe and I always orgasm with my partner with that, I love it!

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I just saw this on Instagram… what do you think? Do you think orgasms are emotion dependent? I have had no problem having orgasms with no emotions haha

I have envy that you can experience it on top! I’d love to experience it from penetration.

I have the WeVibe too but I always feel like it’s so clunky, so it ends up being a nuisance rather than a turn on haha. LOVE that it’s bringing you so many delicious orgasms though!

So interesting!

(Also, lol @ being able to have orgasms without feeling your emotions)

I think there’s truth to this. I can’t back the science behind it, but I do know, that over the years, I’ve come to know how to feel and be with my emotions better and there’s a sense of vulnerability and surrender that comes with that and I think it’s vulnerability and surrender that is a key ingredient in orgasms.

That’s my theory.

Or maybe they’re just trying to encourage us to feel our feelings more LOL

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