Okay, I am by no means an expert in this category. That said, as a human with a lot of lived experience in this category, maybe I am an expert after all (LOL). At the very least, I’d love to normalize this subject matter, and share more about my experience and what I’ve found to be helpful, hinder-ful (it’s a word now) and hear from others as well what their experience has been like.
Up until I was 29, I had never experienced an orgasm with someone else – whether it was masturbation to orgasm with someone else, or through oral or penetration. I’ve always been able to experience an orgasm on my own (the Womanizer Duo is v. v. helpful in that category haha) so this made it super frustrating and confusing for me; even more so, when I my gal pals would rave about how they had a million orgasms with their partner the night prior.
What changed when I turned 29? A lot, but I’m not entirely sure what exactlywas the needle mover that allowed me to experience an orgasm via oral from my partner at the time, but if I were to list them, this would be it:
- Getting the Womanizer Duo: Not sponsored, just ALL LOVE for this beautiful pleasure device. The Womanizer Duo taught me that I love and need both clitoral stimulation AND penetration to experience an orgasm. I didn’t know this prior to, so I was just expecting myself to basically be a pornstar who would receive oral and go off in 2 seconds. Now, I know that I need to be warmed up with clitoral stimulation, followed by penetration (fingers or a dildo)
- Getting turned on FIRST: It seems obvious now, but previously, I wasn’t prioritizing foreplay enough so it was like receiving oral cold, and that just didn’t do it for me. I realize now that I need to get super turned on before even getting to oral and possibly to orgasm. This could look like making out, lots of neck kisses (my weakness), kisses all over my body, grinding against each other. Now, I also know that this helps to get blood flowing, especially to your genitals if you’re teasing that area, which will only support your orgasm should it get there.
- Don’t make orgasm the goal: WOW. Did this ever change my life! I’m now able to see that the pressure to orgasm and “finish” was creating a stressful experience that put me into a performative role and didn’t fully allow me to relax and surrender (which, I think is the key to really incredible sex). I now make it a priority to make sure I’m on the same page with sexual partners because if I feel I need to be in performing mode, game over.
- Talking openly about my desires: I have a lot of juicy fantasies (don’t we all?!), but I never unleashed them, other than during self-pleasure play (which, is probably why I’ve been able to get off on my own with relative ease). I felt really safe to communicate these with my partner I was with at 29 – like, nothing was too weird – and we started to bring that into dirty talk and role play, and holy hannah. That did it!
Bringing in toys to distract / heighten sensations: I used to be someone that lives in their head a lot (I say “used to” as I’m trying to stray from that story and not wear it as my identity). This past year, I discovered the world of butt plugs and nipple clamps, just out of feeling drawn and curious about them. I would use these with my partner during oral and sometimes intercourse as well, and what I noticed is that it heightened the sensation of everything and it also distracted me from being in my head that it allowed me to drop in and surrender more to the experience. Enter: eventual orgasm. Highly recommend.
- Acknowledging my desire to be intimate with women: Once I came out as Bisexual when I was 29 (29 was a great year, apparently), I felt this deeper sense of connection to who I am and a greater sense of self-love. While I was primarily sleeping with men at the time, it’s difficult to fully surrender when you have a secret or an underlying current of shame running through your body. Living honestly, authentically and owning my Bisexuality has really helped me to drop in and remain more open to orgasm in intimate settings. And, actually allowing myself to explore being intimate with women was a game-changer (it turned me on SO much – probably my most effortless orgasm with another person to date was with a woman).
- Communicate your need for time: Porn really messed me up on this one, thinking that I had to have a mind-blowing orgasm in just minutes. Now, whenever I’m with a partner, I communicate to them my fear of taking too long and my need to know that I’m NOT taking too long. Throughout oral, I’ll say things like “I have time, right?” just for my own mind matters management (or, if they might beat me to it and say “take all the time you need” – well, then that’s just the hottest thing in the world LOL)
I could go on and on, but I think to sum it up, I would say, if you are struggling to have an orgasm with your partner:
- Don’t shame yourself. The shame will only make it more difficult
- Take off the pressure to orgasm (there’s SO much more juiciness to be enjoyed on the way to climaxing)
- Make sure you are playing with a partner(s) you feel physically, emotionally and mentally SAFE with. I can’t emphasize this enough.
- Be honest with yourself about your desires, and be honest with others. There is no such thing as “weird”
Super excited to hear what this experience has been like for others, especially those who have experienced orgasms from penetration – I’ve yet to experience that!