Saw my husband on a Twitter live about long distance+ infidelity

So this is so 2022 I am at a loss that I’m typing this. Last night, I was bored-scrolling Twitter, and saw my husband’s avatar as participating in a live Twitter space about “Long Distance and Faithfulness” or similar. I didn’t click on it because I didn’t want him seeing ME on it.

This is sensitive for a few reasons. When we met, I was literally evacuating a nearly deadly domestic situation. He lived in Mexico, I lived in Canada, logistics etc. We never outright said we were monogamous or even fully together, so I dated other people, even though we stayed in contact. It seemed like an impossible dream, and honestly was, until COVID, which is an aside.

Anyway, we’ve talked about how I was with other people, and so he tells me, he wasn’t. I never asked, never assumed, never lied.

But now as we navigate the world opening up, and the possibilities that we may spend more time apart due to work for me in Vancouver and my uncertainty in being financially on the hook for sponsoring him, I wonder if he’s getting uneasy. Or I’m reading into something that is because of guilt I haven’t confronted?

We are still not on solid ground at all, and I am wary of starting a tempestuous conversation. If we were great, I’d still want to avoid this particular tin of worms.

Thoughts? How weird to “catch” your spouse on a Twitter live about infidelity.

Hmm…do you feel he was on the feed to gather information about a spouse cheating or do you suspect he is the one who is wondering about being faithful? This is such a delicate situation and I know given the recent disagreements you’ve had, it will be tricky to approach. Does he seem jealous or possessive? Does he resent the time when you were apart and dating other people? Do you think he trusts you while you are away?

Like you, I will soon be entering a phase of my marriage where we are going to be apart for periods of time due to work and our pending immigration due to my spouse’s work. I won’t join him fully until 14 months later.

He might just be gathering info to make him feel more at ease about the situation and you two being apart more moving forward, so I’m not sure you will want to get into a whole blow out about it. Maybe monitor the situation and if you notice him acting more insecure and checking for more resources on this topic then it might be worth have a heart to heart without accusations to see why he’s seeking out these topics.

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Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear this. I replied to you on another thread before seeing this one. Would you be comfortable just letting him know what you saw and asking him about it? I suspect from ModLila’s reply that you may not, but then if there’s a lack of trust between you, perhaps you do need to address it? I wish I had a great piece of advice for you, but I don’t. I do have a lot of compassion for what you’re going through.

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Ugh I’m so sorry, that’s tough. However, you guys aren’t in a good place for other reasons… kids, etc… so maybe the universe is sending you little smoke signals? Maybe he came into your life for a certain reason but maybe that reason has come and gone. I was “over it” for you back in the other conversation about him threatening you with fertile wombs. That in itself was enough for me to feel :face_vomiting:. As far as simply questioning monogamy and long distance, I have no issues with those topics but it feels like there’s bigger issues… because people who truly want to navigate non monogamy and long distance successfully actually have to have impeccable communication skills. Sorry kind of rambling but I could say a lot about all this, and obviously this is just my opinion without knowing anything other than what you’ve expressed here. I still think you deserve better…

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100% agree on communicating especially if there you want to move from monogamy. I have friends who play with others. They’re a happily married couple because they talked all the way through the process. They also have set rules. Plus they’re quick to end anything that makes the other insecure or uncomfortable.

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@KatherineH hello lovely souls. @ModLila - the womb thing was…there’s no justifying that. He knew what he was getting into with me and I didn’t blindside him. We are working through that, but it’s certainly not resolved. There are flags, but the twitter live thing, I honestly think he’s concerned that I’d be unfaithful, especially if I may be spending time away from him, in my country, in a city where most of my roots are, where I’m in total control. I think he’s afraid that he’s 54 and not where he wanted to be professionally, and the doors I’ve tried to open for him aren’t magically opening without effort and a willingness to risk failing. Now who is rambling!?!

@KatherineH I think asking him about it is a good idea, but one I’ll sleep on. I’m not afraid of him, he is a wonderful human, despite his machismo, he’s good and kind and supportive. As best as he can be. I am by no means perfect. Our issues are deep and they’re rooted in really intense topics like religion, children, family, but I trust him.

I think I just do feel some guilt that I saw other people, and he didn’t. I didn’t know, and I didn’t ask. I just assumed. I’m not itching for a heavy conversation right now, but I don’t think I can dodge the fidelity issue. If he’s worried, I’d like him to talk to me. I don’t for a second think he’s being unfaithful. I think he’s worried about me.

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Ohhh I missed that. I didn’t realize he was concerned about you. Now I get the reference to you seeing others and he didn’t. Poor guy. I’m not sure the Twittersphere would be very reassuring. On the positive side, you clearly seem to love, respect and compassion for him. When up against challenges, you’re in a far better place and have a stronger foundation than most. Hope this all resolves and that you both can feel better soon.

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Ohhh yeah I see… well… I hope that it helps spur on a good conversation and maybe brings you two closer together. Sometimes all you need is to have an intimate conversation. Maybe take a little vacay together and reconnect?

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Thank you, appreciate the positivity! It has been a while since we went away together, we do little day trips every weekend, part of the loveliness of Mexico. From a practicality standpoint, as I’m basically 98% the sole breadwinner and am funding the building of our house, I need to be mindful of expenditures. Being a grown up is not quite what I envisioned when I was off to university and knew everything ha.

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