Separation

Hey all! First time post and excited to be here.
Im newly seperated from my husband of 13 years. I’m taking this time to figure out who I am and how to be my best self and best mom to our 2 kids (12 and 9). So really I’d just love to hear from others (in a similar position or not!) for any advice on new experiences to try, or even good mental health tips for dealing because, damn, its a lot!

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Hi! Thanks for your post and for sharing! I was exactly where you are now about two years ago. I had been married about 9 years but together forever, our oldest was 11 at the time, and we have two younger ones. We were always traveling so we started timing it so that when one person came home, the other left. The kids were used to having mostly one parent around and when we actually separated, it definitely was a little bit of an adjustment. The children are all so different. The oldest it didn’t faze at all. The littlest one really didn’t know much different so never had any issues either. Our middle one struggled a little more and didn’t understand why we couldn’t all be together. What made it harder for us was that my ex and I are actually really amicable and still good friends, so they didn’t understand why we couldn’t just stay together. Anyway, it took a year for the custody to sort itself out, for us to get in our routines and schedules and everything to fall into place. It is really beautiful now and I we definitely did the work to get here but I love it. We even took our first vacation all together as a redefined family during spring break.
On you, first off, I’d say CONGRATULATIONS!!! You overcame fear and uncertainty to step out and take this opportunity to figure out what you want for the second half of your life and a fresh start! All I can say is fucking enjoy every single beautiful moment of it. Explore everything - time to yourself, party your ass off, explore sexuality and what you want from mind blowing sex, what kind of partner you’d like, amazing self care and do all the beautiful things for yourself you didn’t get to do while the kids were young, go to Vegas with the girls, go on soul opening retreats, travel, pick up new passions, do EVERYTHING… the world is yours and you get to be whoever you want to be, not what society tells you you should be. Keep us updated on your journey! sending you lots of hugs and shine! XO

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Welcome to our community! Thanks for sharing your experience. As @JADE shared below, life after divorce and separation can be incredibly fulfilling. I am not divorced but I have friends who separated and moved on to so many amazing adventures in their lives, whether on their own or with new partners. None of them regret it. I suggest taking the time you have, especially when the children are in your ex’s custody, to try new things, go travel, re-connect with girlfriends and just be open to the possibilities. Take care of yourself by being in tune with your needs, remove any layers of guilt, and if you need mental help support through therapy or counselling, go seek it out. Lean on your family and friends too. Keep us posted with how you’re doing!

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@Casualmomsense One more resource here from our website - it’s a terrific article written by Dr. Stephanie Han about how divorce is a great opportunity to become empowered.

Why Divorce Is An Opportunity To Feel More Empowered

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Also, here is a great article on redefining the Mid Life Crisis as the Mid Life Awakening. When I got separated, I literally felt myself awakening again. Amidst everything that you have to sort out - custody, divorce, starting over, etc… - I hope that you can find some excitement and friskiness for life that maybe wasn’t there before! Enjoy every minute!

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Hi there…I was married for 11 years but knew him since 6th grade. Our divorce was very difficult and initiated by me, I went through tons of guilt, doubt and inevitably wavered during our separation part. But what finally did it for me was…no matter what happened I was happier without him. Every big like change takes getting used too…I echo the sentiment that tis time should be about YOU. Not what’s best for your friends or family or even kids. You deserve to be happy and all of them deserve to have the best version of you, the happiest version. Now, when people ask me I always say I wish had done it sooner, when I first knew I wasn’t happy. As women we fear disappointing our loved ones, we shudder at the thought of being selfish…but nobody will put you first unless you do. Dating sucks, holidays alone sucks, feeling lonely sucks, having all your female friends married with kids also sucks. It all sucks. But…once you start feeling like yourself again, like the girl you were before you made all those sacrifices and compromises…you’ll wish you did more for yourself sooner. Just like @JADE says, do EVERYTHING. I find that most things in life are about mindset…treat yourself like your best friend, think of her best interests and happiness. Everyone else will be happy when they see you are happy. I’m happier today, even on my worst day ever, than I ever was during my marriage. Take that leap and don’t look back. I have one child and she was 7 at the time. Everyone’s situation is different but children growing up around unhappy adults tend to be unhappy themselves…the same is true of the opposite. If your kids see you aren’t afraid of big changes in pursuit of your best life, they’ll follow suit. Good luck and I have many tricks about getting over that first-time loneliness if you need it. Step 1: embrace it.

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Thank you all for your wonderful comments :heart:

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